A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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