Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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