my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
