Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
