i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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