He had one of those small greek statue penises
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
