I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
