I hope mine doesn't look like that
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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