when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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