The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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