That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
