I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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