I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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