im six kinds of drunk right now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
