I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
