It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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