I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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