I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
