i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
