So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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