i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
