When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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