I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
