Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
