It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
