my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
