Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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