You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
