i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
