just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
