I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
