My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
