Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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