Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
