I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
