just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
