Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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