then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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