Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
