so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
