I'm eating all of the evidence.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
