This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
