the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
