I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
