"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
