The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
there is glitter all over my balls
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