I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
