dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
