sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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