i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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