there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize