Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
