First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
