Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
