i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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