im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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