I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize