My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
