One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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