Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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