So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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