Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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