Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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